Living with an
anxiety disorder
Living
with an anxiety disorder feels, at times, like living with a neon sign above
your head that flashes the word "Freak."
The
time of hiding our issues away, as though they are something to be ashamed off,
are long gone, and yet the stigma still remains. It's hard to be strong when even
your own brain seems determined to fight against you every step of the way.
Everybody
has an opinion about it and at some point in your life someone you love will
completely break your heart by uttering the words, "You could get over it
if you really tried."
You
can always tell the people who have been informed of your disorder by the way
they look at you when you haven't seen them for a while. There are generally
two distinctive types. Type number one will tilt their head to the side, smile
at you like you're a brave little soldier, and tell you that it is so nice to
see you out and about. Type number two will avoid eye contact with you, and
will struggle for things to say, eager for a quick getaway.
It
has taken me over ten years of living with this disorder, but I have finally
gotten to the place where I feel no shame in what I have and am comfortable
just being me. I'm not waiting to be better for my life to start, because this
is my life and I am living it every day. Yes there are some thing I miss out on
because of my disorder, and things that should be simple at times seem impossible,
but I have learned to accept the fact that I may never have a completely
'normal' life.
I
cannot change the fact that sometimes I wake up shaking in fear because I have
a meeting that day, or a doctor's appointment. However, I can change some small
things and by doing that I can eventually manage to change some of the bigger
things.
I
have tried various medications over the years, but decided that they weren't
for me. I didn't like taking them as they made my mind fuzzy and I found it
hard to write, which I have found to be a great healing tool. I take natural
valerian root supplements when needed, as well as practicing yoga and
meditation.
I
truly do not believe that an anxiety disorder is something you can ever get
over, much in the way that a recovering alcoholic will always be an alcoholic.
We will always struggle with our problems, and sometimes we will be better, and
sometimes we will be worse. The important thing is to not let the bad times set
us back. Accept that you feel like crap for the time being and own it. Know
that it will always, eventually, get better.
At
its very worse, my anxiety disorder had me feeling so alone, lost, and trapped
that I considered committing suicide. Every day seemed to present a new
struggle that I just couldn't cope with. I was seventeen-years-old and hadn't
told my family what was happening to me, because people didn't talk about such
things, and I didn't even understand it myself. I didn't really want to die
though, I just couldn't see a way out, so I mustered all of my courage and went
and told my mum. She was so shocked, and ashamed that she hadn't noticed there
was something wrong with me; I had gotten really good at pretending and making
up excuses for my behaviour. For the whole of the next day she looked at me as
though she didn't know me at all and it took some time for her to get her head
around it. Eventually though, as she and I learned more about it together, she
became my rock, the one person to never judge me and who always supported and
encouraged me.
The
reason I am sharing such a personal thing is because I would have given
anything, back then, to know that there was someone else out there who was
feeling just like me. I learnt from this experience, that no matter how bad you
think things are, eventually, they will always get better. By talking about it
and making more people aware of it, I have come to accept this part of me. I am
both happy and content in my life now. My anxiety disorder has had a big impact
in shaping the person I am. It has made me kinder, more patient and accepting
of others, as well as making me strong. I know now, that there is nothing life
can throw at me that I can't survive.
The
key to surviving, for me, is acceptance. The old serenity prayer, which is
often used by addicts in recovery, is never far from my mind.
Grant me the
serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I
can; and wisdom to know the difference.
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